You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
