forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
