Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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