btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
