I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
