if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
