dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
