I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
