hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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