im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
