life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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