So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
