i barfeds in our rink
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
