im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm too high and old for this...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
