9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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