It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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