I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
