I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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