Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
