Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
