The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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