good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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