Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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