Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
