my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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