Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
