it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
