then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They took my balls.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
