last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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