Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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