I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
