I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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