My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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