You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
