I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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