Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
