I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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