im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
