why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
