i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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