you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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