i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
