ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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