I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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