my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
