It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
