i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
