literally had 100 drinks last night.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
