I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
