he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
