I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
