I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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