john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
