Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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