Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
