I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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