Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
