you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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